Chapter Five

True to his word as always, Justin called three times the next day. And the next. Even as the album release date grew closer and his schedule grew more hectic, he never missed a day. She emailed him pictures every day at first, too, although they all looked pretty similar. Meanwhile, Natalie watched all their appearances on television, taping many of them so Ben could see them one day.

As she watched the interviews and performances, it was hard to reconcile the rock star on TV with the quiet man who had shared her home for two weeks. The cameras definitely encouraged a different side of Justin's personality. But even in the glare of the lights, she could see a change in him. He wasn’t as boyish or as exuberant as he had been on the last talk-show go-round. He even let his bandmates finish their sentences most of the time. He seemed to have suddenly grown up. For some reason, Natalie felt a strange sense of pride when she watched him.

She often held Ben up while Justin was on the screen, even though she knew he couldn’t really focus on it yet. She hoped that maybe Ben would recognize Justin’s voice at least. That caused her to reflect on just how sad this situation was. Ben would probably see his father more on television than in person, unless Justin’s popularity waned suddenly. She felt bad for both father and son, because they would both miss out. But she had known all along that it would have to be this way, and Justin would accept it in time.

NSync’s album debuted at number one and had very strong first-week sales. In addition, it garnered them some of the best reviews of their careers. The chances they had taken had paid off, and Justin was ecstatic. He chattered happily on the phone to her, and it felt so good to hear the joy in his voice. She was glad something had finally distracted him from missing Ben so much. He also reported excitedly that they would be in L.A. for Thanksgiving and that he might be able to get to Vegas for a day or two. Everything was falling into place nicely.

Then, without warning, it all began to unravel, as the first rumor reared its ugly head. They never would find out how it leaked, but there it was, on a gossip website: "Justin Timberlake allegedly has secret love child." It was a very different Justin who called her that night. "Hi," he said flatly, "Did you see it?"

"See what?" she asked.

"There’s a rumor on the Internet about my ‘secret love child.’"

"Where did that come from?" she said, troubled by this news.

"I have no idea. But the Jive people saw it and now they’re trippin’. They were actually yelling at me."

"For what?"

"For not telling them."

"Well, the point of a secret is to tell as few people as possible."

"That’s pretty much what I told them."

"So now what?"

"Well, it hasn’t spread to the mainstream press yet. The official line is ‘No comment.’"

"OK."

"Hey – It looks like Thursday’s a go. You gonna be around?"

"Yeah, we’ll be here."

"Cool. I think I can stay for, like, 24 whole hours," he said, dryly.

Natalie chuckled. "Imagine that!" she deadpanned.

"Hush," he said, but she could hear the smile back in his voice. "I’ll call you tomorrow, OK?"

"OK. Bye."

By Wednesday, the mainstream press was nibbling at the edges of the story, and Natalie was getting nervous. Justin had been fine as long as it was a matter of not telling anyone. If it came down to lying to a reporter, she didn’t know how he would react. She called him that night. "Maybe you shouldn’t come out here tomorrow."

"Why not? I’m really looking forward to it."

"What if some reporter follows you? They’re already sniffing around in L.A."

"Oh, they’re not so interested that they’d tail me on Thanksgiving. Besides, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I want to see you guys. I’m coming out there."

"OK," Natalie relented, "Just be careful."

"I will. I’ll see you around three tomorrow, OK? We have to do a morning radio show."

"OK. Bye." As she hung up the phone, her head buzzed with misgivings. She just had a bad feeling about this.

Thanksgiving Day dawned as a spectacular fall day. It was the warmest day they’d had for weeks, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Thanks to Ben, she was up in time to catch most of the Macy’s Parade on TV. After an early lunch, both mother and baby fell back asleep. When Natalie struggled back to consciousness, she was alarmed to see that it was after 1:30 already. She got up and hurried into the shower. Once she was dressed, she had to get Ben dressed. He was fussing because he was hungry, and she had to fight with him a little to get his pants snapped up. She was on her way to appease him with his bottle when the doorbell rang.

Misgivings or not, she couldn’t help but smile as Justin’s whole being lit up when she opened the door. "Hey, you," was all he said as he stepped into the house and enveloped Natalie and Ben in a bear hug. She inhaled the scent of his light, woodsy cologne. For some reason, it calmed her, and she suddenly realized she now distinctly associated that smell with him. She breathed deep, soaking it in.

Ben broke up their embrace with a plaintive wail, and Justin laughed, "Was I smothering you there, little man?"

"He’s just hungry. His bottle is overdue. Let me go get it." She handed the baby to Justin and headed into the kitchen. It took her a minute to warm up the formula. When she returned, she found Justin comfortably ensconced in the corner of the couch, talking to Ben in a voice so low she couldn’t hear his words. But Ben appeared to be listening intently to whatever it was Justin was saying. She smiled at them as she crossed the room. "You two look like you belong in a Rockwell painting," she said.

Justin lifted his head and smiled shyly at her. "I missed him. I had no idea how much you could miss a person who can’t even talk yet." He took the bottle from her outstretched hand and tilted it toward Ben’s mouth. The infant sucked greedily at the plastic nipple, and Justin chuckled. "Have you been starving him or what?"

"Well, he is a growing boy, after all," she replied, "I’ll be back in a minute." She went upstairs, both to find some pictures she had for Justin and also to give them a few minutes without her hovering over them. When she came back down, Ben had just about disposed of his bottle, and Justin was watching him intently, like he was made of pure gold.

She sank down onto the couch next to them. "These are some pictures I had made for you," she said, "I figured – "

"We need to talk," he said abruptly. Setting the bottle down, he shifted Ben to his shoulder and started patting his back. "I can’t do this. I can’t just deny his existence. I want to tell the truth."

"Justin…" she warned, her eyes wide.

"I don’t like lying," he said quietly, "And I don’t want Ben to grow up and think I was ashamed of him."

"That’s very sweet, but you know this isn’t a good idea."

Justin’s nervous energy became apparent, as he bounced up off the couch and started pacing, with Ben still on his shoulder. "I don’t think it would be that bad. It’d be like what happened with Joey – a commotion for a couple of weeks and then everybody’ll forget all about it. It’ll be fine."

Natalie opened her mouth to respond, but then she bit her tongue. She wouldn’t say it. Surely it was already obvious to him. But he saw her swallow her words. "What?" he demanded, "What were you going to say?"

"Just that…" she hesitated. Oh, the hell with it. She had to talk him out of this. "As much as I know you don’t want to hear it, you are not Joey. The situations are not the same. Most people in this country couldn’t pick Joey out of a line-up. You, on the other hand…"

"Oh, stop. There’s not that big a difference." Just then, Ben let out a yawp of a burp that startled Justin.

"Like father, like son," Natalie said, shaking her head in amusement. Turning back to the subject at hand, she continued, "A story on Joey for them is like a ripple. Dirt on you is like a tidal wave. They’re dying to get something on you, because you’re squeaky clean. It will be a firestorm."

He sighed noisily, "You sound like those idiots at Jive. Whose side are you on, anyway?"

"It’s not about sides. I don’t want to see anybody get hurt."

"Nobody’s going to get hurt. You’re all overreacting." There was a note of anger in his voice which sparked a similar response from her.

"Oh, really?" she snapped, "And what about when they ask you when you lost your virginity? Are you going to answer that, too?"

"Of course not," he growled.

"So then they’ll go after Britney, wanting to know if she’s been lying. Or maybe they’ll track down your grandma for a quote. And then they’ll want to know when you and I are getting married. It’ll just kick off a whole chain of events that is completely avoidable."

"Avoidable how? By me having no contact with you and never seeing my son? That’s not acceptable to me!" he exclaimed. Ben whimpered, and Justin realized he was yelling in the baby’s ear. An expression of self-loathing passed over his face, and he kissed the top of Ben’s head. "Sorry," she heard him whisper. "I’m going to take him upstairs," he mumbled, "I’ll be right back."

She closed her eyes and tried to gather her composure. Fighting about this wouldn’t do any of them any good. She just had to find the key to convincing him that he couldn’t go public. It would be a disaster for Justin, for Ben, and even for her. They could figure out another way for Justin to see his son without compromising their privacy.

Several long minutes later, Justin returned, and he seemed to have calmed down somewhat. He sat sideways on the couch, tucking his leg under and facing her. Taking a deep breath, he began again, "I just can’t stand the lies. I love Ben, I’m proud to be his father, and I don’t care who knows it."

"But you know it’s more complicated than that."

"Why? Why does it have to be complicated?"

"Because there are so many people who watch every move you make, Justin. You have the kind of fame that you can’t just ignore at will."

"Yes, I know that," he said, getting testy again, "But I can choose to say ‘Screw them’ and do what I want for once."

Her own anger was building again. "So… You get your way, and damn the consequences."

"It’s not about getting my way. It’s about being able to live my life. For the last seven or eight years, this faceless ‘They’ of the media has been controlling my world. It gets old."

"I’m sure it does. But I don’t want Ben and I to be the sacrificial lambs so you can prove your point."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Now it was her turn to jump up and pace. "It means that you’re being so selfish that you’re not seeing the whole picture. Have you ever once stopped to consider the effect this will have on me and Ben? Has it ever even crossed your mind?" When he didn’t answer right away, she continued, "I don’t want Ben to grow up in the glare of the spotlight. He deserves the chance at a normal life. You chose to give up that right, but it’s not fair for you to make that choice for him. And I’m pretty happy having my own identity. I don’t relish the thought of becoming known as ‘the mother of Justin Timberlake’s child’ or having to worry about photographers every time I leave the house. I didn’t ask to be famous."

"You’re not," he said, "And you don’t have to be."

"Justin, come on! You know how this works! You admit to having a son, and a thousand computers will go into overdrive until they find your name on a birth certificate, which also conveniently has my name on it. From there it isn’t too hard for them."

"You didn’t seem too worried about any of this when you slept with me," he said, bitterly. "You knew who I was."

She recoiled from his harsh words. "You didn’t mean that. And I’m not going to dignify it with a response."

He put his head in his hands, and she thought he would go bald, the way he was pulling on his hair. "So I’m selfish for not considering those consequences, huh? What about the fact that I will never get to see you guys? Why don’t you care about that?"

"How is that going to change if you go public? You’ll still be on the road most of the time."

"But you could come with me."

"What?" Natalie asked, startled.

Justin exhaled and lowered his voice. "When I came here today, I was going to ask you to come with us on tour. We could get our own bus and… But there will be no hiding Ben if we do that."

"Justin, I don’t know if the road is really the best place for an infant."

"He will have anything and everything he needs, including security. I’ll make sure of that."

"I know you will, but – "

He interrupted her. "And I will have everything I need. To watch my son grow up and to be with you." He said this last very quietly, never taking his eyes off hers.

She blinked and said, "Me?"

He breathed a tiny puff of frustration and replied, "Yes, you." Pausing to gather his courage, he said, "I love you, Natalie. I just didn’t know how to tell you."

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs and the walls were coming toward her. She had no idea what to say, so she did the only thing that came readily to mind. "Justin… You love Ben, and that’s as it should be. But you’re projecting those feelings onto me. You don’t love me. You don’t even know me well enough."

Immediately, he erupted again. "Don’t know you well enough? After everything we’ve been through together? That’s just fucking great. First you tell me how to live my life. Now I lay it on the line and tell you how I feel, and I’m wrong about that, too! I guess I don’t even know how to feel on my own anymore."

"Justin, I didn’t mean – "

"I do love Ben. More than anything. But my phone calls with you are the highlight of my day. And that was true even before Ben was born. When I’m not here, he’s not the only one I miss. I go to sleep at night wondering what you’re doing. But I guess I’m just ‘projecting’ those feelings. Forget I said anything." He walked over to where he had thrown his stuff and started putting his coat on.

Anxiously, Natalie said, "Where are you going?"

"Back to L.A."

"But, Justin, you just got here. Wait, sit down, let’s finish talking about this."

"I think we are finished. There’s no point in fighting all afternoon. You just think I’m a selfish bastard who doesn’t know his own heart. I don’t feel like listening to it anymore."

"That is not what I think."

"Well, regardless, I don’t want to be here right now." He picked up his bag and headed to her front door.

"Don’t you at least want to say goodbye to Ben?" she asked, aware of how desperate she sounded.

He turned to look at her, and his eyes were like daggers. "I don’t see much point in getting too attached to him, do you?" he said, coldly. Natalie swallowed hard and couldn’t answer him. He continued to glare at her as he walked out and slammed the door behind him. Seconds later, she heard his car peel out of her driveway. She stood rooted to her spot by the door, in utter shock at what had just taken place. Soon enough, her emotions overcame her, and she crumpled onto her couch and wept.

Chapter Six

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