Chapter Six

The next two weeks were miserable ones for Natalie. She kept replaying the fight with Justin over and over in her head. He didn’t call her once, not even to return one of the many messages she left on his voicemail. Finally, after the first week, she gave up calling him. She was at a total loss as to what to do next. It was so important for Justin to be a part of Ben’s life. She wracked her brain trying to devise a solution that wouldn’t reveal their secret to the world. But she kept coming up empty.

Meanwhile, NSync were still doing heavy publicity for the new album. Every time they were on television, Justin appeared melancholy. He spoke only when he was directly asked a question, which was completely out of character for him. Natalie noticed the worried looks his friends were giving him as well. She wished he would just call her back, so she could at least talk to him and make sure he was all right. It was hard for her to admit to herself, but she really missed their daily phone calls. They had been the high point of her day, too.

Just when she was about to physically track him down somewhere, he called her. The conversation was brief and tense. He was in town for the Billboard Awards, and his mom and friends wanted to see Ben. So they were all coming over. Natalie went into a stereotypical tizzy over the fact that his mother would be at her house, and she threw all her nervous energy into cleaning. By the time they arrived, her house was sparkling. Unfortunately, her nerves hadn’t abated any.

Justin’s mom, Lynn, was cordial to her, but Natalie could tell that she knew what had happened between her and Justin. Chris and Lance came along, too, and they were both friendly, although they seemed to be watching Justin with a wary eye. As for Justin, he said hello but refused to look her in the eye. She brought Ben down to the living room to meet all of them, and, of course, they all made a big fuss over him. Justin forgot his anger for a few minutes, and she watched him beaming at his son. As she stood there, she suddenly felt like she would cry, and she retreated to the kitchen.

She stood by the sink, trying to restore her poise, but her thoughts were scattered. How had it come to this? She wanted Justin to be with Ben. And, yes, goddamn it, she missed Justin herself. She missed his beautiful smile, and she missed his gentle touches on her arm or her back. She missed the lullabies he sang to Ben. But most of all, she missed talking to him for hours on end. They came from such different backgrounds, but they usually seemed to see things in the same light. Until now, that was. She pounded her fists on the countertop in frustration, then nearly jumped out of her skin when she noticed Chris standing in the doorway.

"Oh my God, Chris, you scared me!"

He held up a hand in apology. "I’m sorry. I was going to announce myself, but you were busy beating the shit out of the counter over there."

"Um, sorry," she said, sheepishly, "I’m just a little frustrated. Can I get you something?"

"No, I was looking for you, actually."

"Why’s that?" she asked apprehensively.

Chris chuckled. "You don’t have to look so scared. I don’t bite. I am, however, a world-class meddler in other people’s business, and I’m about to do it again."

"Oh, really?" she said, somewhat offended, but mostly amused. It was so hard not to like Chris, especially when he was being so straightforward with her.

"Yes, really," he replied, "I’ll keep it short so Justin doesn’t figure out what I’m up to in here and come kick my ass. So here’s the deal. I can’t tell you how to run your life, and God knows I sympathize with your desire not to lose your privacy. Being famous is a drag sometimes. But not being with people you care about sucks all the time." 

Chris paused for a breath, then went on, "He is so depressed right now. We have to drag him out of bed when he has to be somewhere. You and Ben became his whole world, and now he feels like it’s been taken away. I’m telling you, before Thanksgiving, it was ‘Natalie’ this and ‘Natalie’ that. Or else he had his pictures of Ben spread out on his bed while he talked to you on the phone. You two mean everything to him. He’s like a different person."

Natalie felt the tears springing to her eyes again, and they threatened to spill over. Chris saw this, and his tone softened. "Look, I’m not trying to guilt-trip you. I know you have your reasons for wanting to keep Ben under wraps. But is it worth all this heartache? Justin is completely crazy about you. You may think that’s just an extension of his feelings about Ben, but it’s not." She couldn’t help but snicker, and Chris paused. "What?" he asked.

"You guys really are like a bunch of old women, you know that? Do you tell each other everything?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Chris said, with a smile. "We are each other’s family when we’re out there traveling. And that’s how I can say to you with total confidence that I know how he feels about you. I’ve never seen him like this before. If you don’t feel that way about him, fine, but don’t discount his feelings, because they’re real. And, anyway, I think you do feel that way, and you’re just scared. Which is understandable, given the circumstances. And you wouldn’t be the first woman to be scared away." He stopped and looked at her searchingly, but she didn’t respond. "Anyway," he said with a sigh, "That’s all I have to say about that. I’m sorry if you think my meddling was out of line."

"No," she said quickly, "It wasn’t."

"OK, good," he said with a smile. "Here," he continued, grabbing a pen from the counter, "Let me give you my cell phone number. If you want me to mediate, give me a call. I know he won’t answer his phone."

"No, he won’t," she said, sadly, "Believe me, I’ve tried."

"I know you have. All right, I better get back out there. Don’t hesitate to call me."

"Thanks, Chris," she said quietly.

"Anytime," he replied, his eyes dancing. And then he vanished from the kitchen as quickly as he had appeared.

After gathering her wits about her, Natalie rejoined the group in the living room. They didn’t stay too much longer, and Justin continued to refuse to look in her direction. It was awkward and tense, and she thanked God for Chris, who kept using his humor to distract everyone. Finally, Ben started to fall asleep, and Justin took him upstairs. When he returned, the group made a rather hasty exit. Chris looked over his shoulder and mouthed, "Call me," at her. She nodded at him in return. 

Once they were gone, she turned on the TV and curled up in her easy chair. She stared at the screen, but she wasn’t really seeing it. Her brain was busy trying to digest the conversation she’d had with Chris. Maybe Justin really was in love with her. And maybe she really did feel the same way. But was the potential relationship worth all the hassle they would have to go through to pursue it?

She was still wrestling with that question several days later, when she switched on MTV. The guys were doing a special where viewers could call in with questions and song requests. Carson was hosting this one, and he had made any NSync song fair game. The first request was for "Everything I Own," and the rust on that number was obvious. They fumbled through it, laughing. Even Justin’s gloomy countenance brightened. They answered a bunch of questions and did a song from the new album. The next request to come in was for "God Must Have Spent (A Little More Time On You)", and Tina in Akron, Ohio, couldn’t possibly have known the havoc she would wreak when she asked for that song.

The five men lined up at their microphones, and Kevin cued the band. Justin started off his verse, and the first couplet sounded fine, although his eyes were downcast. But when he sang, "My life was complete; I thought I was whole," his voice wavered audibly. And then the unfathomable happened: he just stopped. He stood perfectly still, with his head bowed so that the camera couldn’t see his face. Chris was the first to react, and he jumped in and finished the verse. Even during the chorus, Justin never lifted his head. When they rearranged themselves to different spots in the line, he simply walked off the stage.

Natalie stared at her television in total disbelief. She was frightened by the eerily calm way Justin left the set. He looked like he was on some kind of autopilot, but she knew the viewers were really witnessing a very public meltdown. The rest of the group struggled to complete the song. She suddenly felt a horrible surge of guilt, and it wasn’t until they ended the song that she noticed the tears running down her cheeks. Carson immediately sent them to a commercial break, and Natalie found herself holding her breath to see what would happen next.

When they returned for more questions, Justin was nowhere to be seen, and JC promptly apologized for him, saying he was sick again. Carson offered sympathy and the other guys commented as well. None of this seemed the least bit convincing to Natalie, and she hoped that was just because she knew the truth. Somehow, that song, with its lyrics about unconditional love, had overwhelmed Justin and finally pushed him over the edge.

She watched the rest of the show, mostly to see if he would return. He didn’t, and she didn’t hear much through her tears. She was worried sick about him. It felt like her heart was being shredded. Pain like this was new to her, this mixture of worry and guilt and… love. Now it was clear to her. She loved him. There was no other explanation for the intensity of these feelings. She loved him, and she was hurting him terribly. And she had to fix it.

Frantically, she dialed his phone, but she wasn’t surprised when she didn’t get an answer. As soon as the show ended, she tried calling Chris but got his voicemail, too. Leaving a message for him, she resumed trying to reach Justin directly. Finally, an hour later, Chris called her back.

"Natalie?"

"Chris! What the hell happened? What’s going on out there?"

"Ummm… he just sort of lost it up there."

"Where is he? Is he OK?"

"He’s back in his hotel room. He won’t let anyone in. He would only talk to me through the door." Chris sighed heavily. "It’s not good around here right now."

Natalie was sobbing now, and she pleaded, "Chris, you’ve got to help me. I have to tell him I was wrong. Please. Can you get him to answer his phone?"

"Well, it’s tough to answer a phone that’s in about ten pieces. It started ringing off the hook the second he walked off the set. It didn’t even make it out of the building intact."

"Oh, man," she moaned, "Chris, what am I going to do?"

"I think you should come out here," he replied quietly, "He needs to hear it from you face-to-face."

"You think that’s the answer? What if he won’t see me?"

"I’ll make sure he does. Just get on the next flight out here. I’ll even pay for it if you want. We’re at our wits’ end with him. You’re the only one who can make a difference now."

Natalie only hesitated for a second before agreeing. "All right. I just need to make sure Kara can stay with Ben. Where are you guys staying?"

"At the Plaza. Call me when you get flight info, and I’ll have someone meet you at the airport."

"OK. Chris, thank you so much."

"You’re welcome. I’ll do anything to see him happy again."

After she hung up with Chris, she called Kara, who said she’d be right over. While she waited for Kara, she raced around the house, throwing things into an overnight bag. Less than two hours later, she was in the air, on a very expensive flight to New York City.

As promised, there was a member of NSync's security team waiting for her at the gate at JFK. He whisked her to a van and took off toward Manhattan. She barely saw the brightly decorated streets or the holiday crowds that filled the sidewalks. Normally, she was in awe of New York, but right now she just wanted the traffic to part and let them through. All her doubts had fallen by the wayside. All she knew now was that she needed to be with him. Finally they reached the hotel, and when the elevator doors opened on the 28^th floor, Chris stood there waiting for her. Without thinking, she rushed over to him and threw her arms around him. He hugged her tightly in return.

"Well, did you talk to him? Does he know I’m coming?" she asked, breathlessly.

"I did talk to him. I even convinced him to open his door halfway so I could make sure he was okay. But I didn’t tell him about you. I didn’t want him to leave. And he hasn’t, unless he went through the window."

"Where is he?"

"That way," Chris said, pointing, "2824."

Natalie gave him a peck on the cheek and hurried down the hallway. But when she got to Justin’s door, she stopped short. Suddenly she was terrified of his reaction to her. All she wanted was to hold him in her arms and make sure he was all right. She didn’t think she could take it if he rejected her. And that was more than a remote possibility.

After catching her breath for a moment, she finally raised a hand and knocked timidly on his door. There was no response to her first knock, so she repeated the action. This time it was met with a hearty, "Go away!" But she was not about to give up that easily.

"Justin?" she called through the door, "It’s me, Natalie." When there was no answer, she continued. "Justin, please let me in. I really need to talk to you." Still no reply came. "Justin, please!" She was openly begging now, and her voice broke as the tears threatened once more. "I came all this way. Won’t you just talk to me? Please, Justin!" Almost without realizing it, she had begun pounding her fists against the door. Her eyes were closed as she tried desperately to stave off the flood she knew was imminent.  God, she was so sick of crying!

Suddenly her hand connected with something much softer than the door, and her eyes flew open. Justin stood before her, his face a canvas of naked emotions. He was still wearing his television make-up, and the sight of the tear tracks that creased it nearly broke her heart in two. Trembling, she asked, "Are you going to let me in?" Silently, he stepped aside and allowed her into the room, closing and latching the door behind her.

"What are you doing here?" he asked almost inaudibly. His voice was raw, as if he’d been crying for hours.

"I… I was watching on TV," Natalie stammered, not knowing what else to say.

"And you thought you’d come and join the pity party, is that it? Well, spare me." He glared at her with his red-rimmed eyes, and she felt her lower lip tremble again.

"Justin, please don’t be mean. I don’t want to do that again. I’m here because I’m worried about you and because I need to talk to you."

"I was under the impression that we were through talking."

"That was your decision. I tried to call you every day for a week."

"I didn’t – and still don’t – think there’s anything left to discuss."

"But you’re wrong," she said, in a low but steady voice. Slowly, she moved to stand directly in front of him. "I need to tell you I’m sorry. I was wrong to tell you that you didn’t love me. It was a defense mechanism, Justin. I was trying to deflect… I just…" She searched for the words as he continued to stare fixedly at her. She dropped her head to avoid his gaze, and continued, "I had convinced myself that what I was doing was best for everyone involved. I wasn’t expecting you to react so strongly. And I wasn’t expecting to miss you so much, or to feel so lost without talking to you every day. I certainly wasn’t expecting to fall in love with you. But that’s what happened."

She ventured a peek at his face out of the corner of her eye. His expression had softened but was unreadable. She took a deep breath and kept going. "There’s something else you need to know. Even though I love you, I’m still terrified of being your girlfriend and all that comes with it. I’m just not scared enough anymore to let it stop me." She finally lifted her head and looked him in the eye. "I love you, Justin. And if you’re still mad at me, I understand. But if you want to give this a shot, I’m ready. And that’s why I came all the way out here."

She looked up at him expectantly, refusing to say anymore until she had a response from him. He took a step closer to her. "If you…" he began haltingly, his voice thick with emotion, "If you don’t ever want to go out in public with me, that’s fine. I don’t care if I never have another date for an awards show ever, so long as you’re waiting for me when I get home." His voice broke on the last word, and he paused for a second, then added, "But if you change your mind, I will be very proud to have you on my arm on any and every red carpet." He put his hands lightly on her elbows and looked deep into her eyes. "We can make this work," he said forcefully.

"Yes, we can," she whispered.

"Yes," he replied, as he pulled her into a bone-crushing embrace. They were both crying now, and it felt as if their two bodies were melting into one. Never in her life had Natalie experienced such a feeling of release, as her anxiety and fear dissolved in the warmth of his arms. This was worth every sacrifice imaginable. Let the paparazzi descend on her at will; this was where she belonged. He pressed his lips to her hair, and they swayed together until they were able to breathe again.

"I’m so glad you came," he murmured in her ear.

"God, so am I," she whispered back.

"And when I’m over being glad, I’m going to kick Chris’s ass for interfering."

Pulling back so she could see his face, she started to ask, "How did you know…"

With a devilish twinkle in his eye, he replied, "Lucky guess."

She shook her head. "You’re impossible. You’re very lucky to have a friend like Chris. He cares so much about you that he’s willing to risk your wrath if it’s for a good cause."

"I know. I’m just kidding. I owe him bigtime for helping us out." As he spoke, he leaned in toward her slowly, propping her chin up with his fingers. "And I hope I never, ever need his help again." 

Tentatively, he brushed his lips against hers, then looked back to her for her consent to continue. Her smile gave him all the reassurance he needed, and he covered her mouth with his own. His lips were parched from all his crying, but all she felt was the heat where they scorched her own. It had been almost a full year since he had kissed her like this, and she felt the loss keenly. A whole year wasted. But there was no sense dwelling on it. Putting those thoughts out of her head, she concentrated on the joy she felt here and now. It was the sweetest kiss of her life.

When they separated, Natalie looked around her for the first time. The hotel room was in a complete shambles. "What the hell happened in here, anyway?"

"Um," he said, looking embarrassed, "After my little nervous breakdown on national television, I came back here and threw an honest-to-God rock star temper tantrum."

"Looks like you did a pretty good job. Come on, I’ll help you clean it up."

He laughed, and his smile was like the emergence of the sun from behind a storm cloud. "You are so anal," he teased.

She couldn’t take her eyes off him. Caressing his cheek, she said, "You have no idea how much I’ve missed that smile. I might even forgive you for calling me anal."

She turned and started picking up clothes. He swatted her lightly on the rear and then pitched in to help. As they straightened up, she saw him sneaking looks at her. "What?" she finally said.

Uncertainly, he said, "So… Does this mean I can tell the truth about Ben?"

Smiling, she said, "Yeah, it does."

"Thank you," he said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"As long as I get to help decide how you’re going to do that."

"That is a deal," he said emphatically. They resumed cleaning, but it wasn’t long before he spoke up again. "What about… Are you going to come on the road with me?"

She could tell he was afraid he was pushing his luck, and she walked over to where he was standing near the window. Slipping her fingers into his, she replied, "Yes, if the offer still stands." His face lit up, but she put a finger to his lips before he could respond. "But I want a job."

"A job?" he asked, looking at her quizzically.

"Yes. Something to do besides follow you around all day and be a hanger-on."

Justin laughed. "I think we can find something for you to do. We always need tons of people."

"OK, then. I’m in." She reached up and encircled his neck with her arms, drawing him into a long, luxurious kiss.

"God, I could get used to that," he breathed.

"Me, too. Now let’s finish cleaning up this mess."

They just about had the room back in order when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Justin called.

"It’s me, J," came Chris’s response.

Justin went over and opened the door, and Chris timidly stepped inside. "How are we doing?" Chris asked, glancing at Natalie. She stepped up and wrapped her arms around Justin’s waist from behind.

"We’re doing great, Chris," she answered with a big grin.

The relief was apparent on Chris’s face. "Thank God," he said.

"No, Chris, thank you," Justin said sincerely, "I really owe you one, man."

"No, you don’t. That’s what big brothers are for." Opening the door, he said, "OK. I just wanted to check and see how things were going. I’ll catch you two later. Dinner, maybe?"

"Yeah, I’ll call you," Justin replied.

"K. Later."

They never did make it to dinner that night, however. Once they had the room tidy again, they settled down on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Natalie wanted to call Kara and check in. Kara had been understandably worried when Natalie left. Natalie was happy to be able to report that all was well again. For her part, Kara said Ben was fine, and she told Natalie to stay in New York as long as she needed to. Natalie thanked her profusely; she knew she and Justin needed some time alone.

They rested comfortably on the bed, Natalie enveloped in Justin’s arms. They talked about how they were going to finally tell the world about Ben. There was also a concern now about damage control. Justin knew questions would be asked about his disappearance today. He came up with the idea to share all the news on an appearance with Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie had been a good friend to them over the years, and although she no longer did her talk show, she was hosting a Christmas special. Natalie agreed that was probably the best place. They decided to run it by the rest of the guys in the morning.

The conversation moved on to talk of tour plans. They were starting on New Year’s Eve in Orlando, which would give Natalie just two weeks to get ready. But she found herself getting excited at the prospect of going out on the road with them. Even though it would be tricky bringing Ben along, it was sure to be an adventure. And more importantly, they would all be together, as a family.

She snuggled up closer into his arms and savored the feel of his solid body pressed against hers. It was warm in the room, and she could feel her eyelids growing heavy. She realized Justin’s breathing had slowed. Glancing up at him, she saw that he was fast asleep. It had been an emotionally and physically exhausting day for both of them. But he looked so peaceful now, and she thought her heart would burst with contentment. She gave him a gentle kiss on the neck and woke him up just long enough for them to lie down. Curling up next to him, she fell into a deep and undisturbed sleep.

Chapter Seven

Contents Page

Feedback

Home